Next On the Menu - Calf Nuts!

I finally did it. Just like the commercials said to, just like Randy "Macho Man" Savage recommended, I snapped into a Slim Jim for the first time in my entire life.

And I'm pretty sure it'll be the last time.

A pepperoni stick sounded so good. I saw the Slim Jim, an extra large one (hey, I had an extra large hunger) flavored with Tabasco. "Interesting," I thought to myself. "Why the hell not?"

Why the hell not? Because these things are terrible. Yeah, it was spicy, that goes without saying. But edible is a stretch. In the packaging this thing was soft and greasy, and as I held it in my hands and ran it across the scanner I could hear that little voice in the back of my head saying, "That thing looks fucking nasty. It better taste good because it's gonna' knock at least three months off your fat ass life."

But it didn't. And it wasn't just the flavor. It had the texture of a fucking rubber glove. I thought it was just the casing, so when I got to the last bite of this damn thing (don't ask me why I didn't just throw it out the window - I guess I'm just an optimist and that it would taste better with the next bite) I gently tore off the casing with my teeth and ate it. I was wrong. The casing was actually soft. There was something chewy and rubbery in this son of a bitch that was supposed to be meat. There was something chewy and rubbery in the goddammed Slim Jim. So help me, there was something unidentifiable and chewy in that damned mystery meat.

Have I learned anything from this experience? Yes. First, the Slim Jim is not for human consumption and in reality it's a cruel dog chew toy. Second, if it tastes like shit the first bite, you don't have to eat the whole damn thing to figure out you're eating a turd. And third, Randy "Macho Man" Savage is either one sick motherfucker or a lying bastard or both.