Sheeeeesh! Alright Already! ;)

Well, umm, now I feel like the lights are on me and I'm standing on the stage alone, doing my best to try and figure out something witty to say after the guy before me got major yucks. Perhaps something poignant? No, I'm a fraud so it would sound even more hollow than it does. So I guess there's the truth, whatever that may be.

Life has been busy. And somewhere in the business I got that empty hollow feeling. I don't sleep well. And I don't get my ass out of bed in the mornings. But somehow I manage to keep up the very thin facade that I'm getting shit done. But really - I don't want to. I don't want to do a damn thing. I want to sit here, try to play guitar and watch the swallows swoop and dive around the yard. But I can't. I shouldn't. I don't.

When my old man sobered up, he told me something that was funny and sad all at once. It was along the lines of the worst part of sobering up was realizing he'd lost ten years of his life. Goddamm I don't want to do that. I felt like that after I graduated from college. Five years I felt were gone. But those five years were eventually parlayed into this, which is a helluva' lot closer to what I went to college for.

It's spring here in the homeland, which means incredible heat punctuated by thunder storms and the occasional sprinkling of snow. And I sit here, listening to the news, seeing what's going on around here, I realize this place, the people and all the bullshit, helped forge me into this thing that I am. Sometimes it's an angry thing wanting to take up arms against the giant, faceless enemy that can't be fought. Sometimes it's a smart ass thing sneering at those around him and at those who put down those around him. Sometimes it's just a thing trying to do whatever it is I do. But I do have the girl and the missus and family. And they're the water that extinguishes the fire in my gut that would burn everything down if it could.

There's been a lot of people I've missed lately. I miss Matty, who I hope will be out soon. I miss the tart, who I used to talk to a lot more. I miss Jim the Squid and the trips up to Whidby for Navy style beer drinking. I miss the Sunflower, whom I know I will never see again but think about all the time. I miss my brer, though he hasn't moved yet. And I guess to a certain degree I miss the person that I was that would pick up the phone and give old friends a call to say hello. But so much time passes and I feel ashamed. It's not as if I don't think about them, but I do miss them.

Being here again, though I may not sound that way, is lovely. The hills and mountains are larger than I remember. They're so dramatic. I guess that's the one thing I didn't like about the Valley. All the trees and undergrowth hid the geology and topography and the drama that time and the elements created. But as the missus pointed out, there was still drama, but more on a micro-level than on the macro.

I look at the hill out my office window and the pasture lands laid out in front of me. They're green and lush and calling me to grab a saddle and climb on the old mare I doctored on last winter and spring and go for a ride. Up through the pines and junipers, up over the ridge and into country I've never seen before. I want to go.

But I can't. I have a job I should be doing. Though I should be trying to catch up on billable hours, I feel I owe a bigger debt to the two people who still stop by. And I thank you both for that. "The Story of My Life" is playing over the speakers, and it's resonating more than it has for a while. I remember the first time I heard this song. It resonated with me then. "I think about what you're doin' now and when you're coming back." I think from time to time we all sit on the edge of our beds and ask ourselves that question.

It's almost four. Blogger says they're having an outage soon. Guess that's all for now. I'm still pissed at Blogger. But I guess, right now, saying hello is more important. Take care.