Surprise Surprise Surprise

What a delightfully gloomy Saturday. It's the kind of day where whenever you go outside you get soaked through your heavy canvas jacket, making it easy for the wind to get through the material and freeze you right to the bone. The clouds are just hanging dark and gray, threatening to dump even more rain into our already swollen rivers and ditches. The darkness of noon makes your little home seem like a dark little cave lit by the flashing blue fire of your television screen. It's the perfect day to spend huddled up under an old quilt your great grandmother patched together and watch whatever meaninglessness your satellite zaps onto your TV screen.

Where am I? At work.

I'm stressed. I knew balancing family and work would be tough, but throw in the aggravation of a paying side project and it's a situation perfect for overeating, over-drinking and chain smoking. Luckily I don't smoke and I've cut down on alcohol (down, not off). Guess who's going to gain 100 pounds in the next month?

In today's modern world where we've come to realize the importance of family and the whole "you can't take it with you" mindset, a few things surprise me. Like how even though I've arranged with my supervisors to pick up the girl early twice a week and I'm coming in an hour early to leave an hour early (which is within company policy) that I still kind of get a cold shoulder from some of the men on my team. What's even more surprising is they're from the supposedly insightful and kind "Generation Y" that Newsweek thought would be the saviour of the lazy, slacker "Generation X". Whatever. Those titles were stupid. And it's not like I don't get along with them- it's just when it's time for me to leave and I tell them goodbye for the day it isn't met with the usual "see ya laters" and other stuff. It's a quiet mumble and barely the acknowledgement of my exiting. I'm not expecting parades and tears; I'm just surprised that it's changed from what it was. And maybe it's because I was always the one telling them goodbye as they walked out the door on time while I stayed late.

The other thing that surprises me is how much of a failure you feel like you are. You don't feel like you're putting in the hours that are expected of you at work, yet you don't feel like you're giving the family the attention you feel they deserve. It's just like Christmas with divorced parents, but daily.

However, what's most surprising is how happy I am right now. Maybe I'm too tired to know. Maybe I just really could give a fucking shit and if I get sacked or whatever happens happens and I know it's not the end all be all. There's more important shit going on.

I'm finally learning my job doesn't define me.

I'm also learning that a little girl combined with the love of a good woman makes it even harder to get anything done.