5 Movies I Hate Most

5. Wolf. Yeah, sure, it has Jack Nicholson in it and crap, but honestly, between the animatronic wolves and the crappy writing, it sucked. It took a long time before I saw another movie that pissed me off and made me want my money and the time it sucked away from me back.

4. Mission to Mars. How can a movie with such a promising premise suck so horribly? This pile of shit not only featured Tim Robbins imitating a dead baby floating through space, but had such horribly geeky humor that even geeks were embarrassed by it. Then you get all the references of them being in the future and making fun of things that would have been from our present- yeah, we fucking get it. You're from the future. Your cars don't use gasoline like Gary Sinese's (sp?) Mustang does. Whoopee-fucking-doo. And then the only reason you sit through all the bullshit is to find out what happened at Mars- which doesn't come until the very end. And it turned out to be a total cop-out. What a turd.

Now, the top three get a little tricky. Who gets the worst film can change from day to day. In my opinion, they're all equally shitty and a total fucking waste of my time.

3. Crash. What do you get when you combine a lecture about modern race relations in the United States with horrible dialogue, directing so bad the actors seem to be over-acting and events so improbable that it warps the mind to try and figure out how all of this could have happened in only a couple of day's time? This piece of shit. Yeah, I get it. White people are horrible, judgemental assholes. Black people can be a little racist. Hispanics and Mid-Easterners though, they're alright. So why the fucking lecture? This script felt like it was written by some college student with majors in Sociololgy and the various Ethnic Studies majors offered at the local university. Anyway, I hated it. I've never felt like I sat through a three hour lecture instead of a movie until I watched this turd. And dear script writer, you might want to learn a little about believability and statistics!

2. Rosemary's Baby. With a movie that's referenced so much in pop culture how could it be so bad? Until Crash and Mulholland Drive, it was the single worst movie I had ever seen. It wasn't scary. It wasn't interesting. It was't erotic (was it supposed to be?). It was boring. It was horrible. And the only nudity was from Mia Farrow. Perhaps that's where the horror comes in. This movie is so bad that I sometimes forget that I've seen it. Sometimes someone will be describing it and I'll say, "That sounds interesting, what movie is that?" and then they'll tell me and I'll vomit because I know the movie is not that good. If you haven't seen it, I'll save you the time. The old people and her husband are trying to get her to have Satan's baby and she does. Save your time and money. Rosemary's Baby is a two plus hours pile shit you need not step in.

1. Mulholland Drive. Yeah, you already know I hate it. I referenced it already. I went into this movie high hopes. Maybe too high. Everyone kept saying it was sexy and cool and one of the best movies ever made. Maybe I got another David Lynch film with the same cast because it was boring, predictable and pretentious. We kept watching it thinking it would get better. What felt like 10 hours later we were disappointed. There were no surprises or plot twists. Hell, Raleigh, our dog even knew that it was all in this gal's head or whatever. Perhaps that's why he went in the other room, took a nap and licked where he once had balls- he thought it would be a better use of his time. The whole Hollywood navel-gazing thing to me is boring. I get how corrupt the place is and the sacrifices you all-knowing, super-sensitive Hollywood-director-types make. Boo-fucking-hoo. But sometimes your work is still crap. The shock value Lynch was trying for felt less shocking than it did manufactured. You could almost hear him thinking, "Hmm, you know what will shock people? Two girls fucking. Yeah, let's do that. Yeah, man, that's cutting edge." Maybe Lynch should have used that cutting edge to hack some time off this piece of shit. Sir, if you were going to make a movie that would screw with people's sense of time and place and still be edgy, you should of had Tarantino make the movie for you. This film felt just like that- a wanna-be Tarantino movie trying to show the seedier side of Hollywood with a dash of lesbianism for the sake of having two hot girls make out on film. As a matter of fact, I hate this movie so much if I ever see that cocksucker Lynch I'm going to demand $103.5o from him for wasting the missus' and my time plus the $3.50 I plunked down to watch this fucking wank-fest or I'll beat him within an inch of his life.