Me By Myself

It's a quarter after 9 and I'm still at work.

I'm tired. I don't want to be here. But it's what you do to get the job done. It's what good employees do, right? It's what productive members of society do, right? Right?

It doesn't feel right. True, right now there's no one waiting for me at home (the missus and the girl are in the homeland). No hugs and kisses or how was your day's waiting for me when I walk through the door. Just the tired anticipation of a beer and the easiest dinner I can think of. The other night it was a PBR and three slices of cheese before I went to go finish a project for an amiga. Other nights it's been left overs- and good stuff too so don't feel sorry for me.

Looking at what I'm doing now and considering the way I am when I'm alone I've decided it's a good thing I'm not single. Instead of being here I might be in some city (really, any city) I hate working at a job I think I love (I'll make myself love it, dammit) putting in way too many hours because that's what my old man did and my grandfathers did and their fathers and grandfathers did. Only they did it in the woods and fields and the mills and not under the unnatural light in some building sitting on their ass helping a major corporation sell tons of stuff for the holiday season. In their breakneck existence there was some sort of honor that I don't feel in my job. They busted their asses for their family. I'm busting my ass too, but I don't have the callouses or the tired body at the end of the day to let me know I've earned the cold beer and the hot supper.

There would be nobody at home for me. Or to go see later. Instead I'd be pining for some girl out of state (or at the very least out of county) that I once knew and have idealized to the point that if and when I ever did meet her my expectations would be so incredibly high that I'd set myself up for disappointment. There would be no point to all the hours and overtime because there'd be nobody to share it with. Just an empty bed with a only a comforter and a sheet because I like to make the bed without really making it.

So this would be me all by myself. Goddamm I'm glad this is only temporary.