Lead with the Chin

Well, guess what? The deal fell through. After all summer of dealing with these people, being apart from my girls, then finding out the fucking weasel didn't give the appraiser the earnest money agreement the first go round and has been lying since; after all the bullshit; after all the frustration and other emotions, the house ain't sold.

I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of those people. The missus isn't mad at them - just frustrated at the situation. She says it isn't their fault the loan didn't go through. She doesn't trust them, but she doesn't hold any ill-feelings against them.

Me, I do. I hate them. Or at least him. His bullshit kept me from my family. His lying kept us from moving on. He took from me something that I can never get back. There will never be "even". Kicking out the teeth he lied through won't get me anything. Burning down the barn they're building won't get me anything. I lost my little girl's first summer. I missed kisses and more firsts than I like to think about. There is nothing he or I or anyone else can do to make that right. I missed time with my wife. I missed cuddling and making love and late night conversations about nothing. There is nothing that sonuvabitch can do to make that right either.

They had all fucking summer to get their shit grouped. It ain't my fault they can't get their fucking house in order. It ain't my fault they aren't trustworthy enough to qualify for a loan. But because we tried working with them, we got fucked. FUCKED! I just want to move on! I'm sick of his lying and his bullshit!

I hope nothing good ever happens to him again. Unfortunately, that will only hurt their little boy, which I don't want.

I don't care what his wife says about him being a good person; to me, he will always be a fucking liar and a thief.

Dammit. Fuckit.

It's been a shitty week so far. Just bad stuff all around and I try not to let it get me down, try to let old resentments go, and here they are again, bobbing around in my head again like, like, like a turd you can't flush.

the worst of it is that I can see how one person's actions has led to this. I hate him. I know it's a powerful word. But it's true. I despise him. I hate him for all he has robbed me of; though I hate myself for buying his lies and hanging around that place, alone and lonely. I hope he enjoyed having his family around. And I hope they find out what a son of a bitch he is.

and I'm sorry, Casper.

Back in the Homeland

Well, I'm here. Not in my own home, yet, but hopefully come October I will be. The in-laws were kind enough not only to have the missus and the girl stay with them all summer, now they've welcomed me, two dogs, three cats, two horses and a bird. Good people they are. =)

It's nice to be here with my family. I know it isn't the place I left over ten years ago, but as much as things have changed so many things have remained the same. The same dirty little towns are much like they were ten years ago, save the fact there are a lot more Spanish-based signage. The same kinds of people are fighting the same kinds of battles, whether they be poverty, alcolohism, drug-abuse, domestic abuse or whatever, but hell, there's those troubles in the place we left. It's just I know it's down here and where it's at. Up there, it was more like the resteraunt with the nice front and the dirty kitchen. But I'm home. And I feel like I'm at home.

Being with my girls is a blessing in itself. I got to see the girl put together enough steps to qualify her first walk. I wake up every morning with the missus snuggled up to my back or on my chest. It's nice to know they've missed me as much as I've missed them. And being back here with them as quenched my thirst for gasoline and matches. I still dislike those people with the intensity of the flames I yearned to set, still think he's a son of a bitch, don't trust them as far as I can throw them and feel they owe me a summer. Lying does that. Lying and keeping me from my loved ones does that. Lying and keeping me somplace instead of enabling me to move on does that. All I can do is take their money and be thankful we're halfway done.

And after the check has cleared then maybe raise some hell.

The End Is Nigh . . . .

or is it? We won't know until we actually have money in hand. Meanwhile I've decided to make the hard decision - to give up the Revelator (aka the Monster Zero aka the Jinx aka the Olds). And the old GMC. The missus said I could take the proceeds from both sales and buy something else. So now I'm eye-balling an old Ford pickup with a flathead 8 under the hood or getting a late 40's or early 50's coupe. Yeah, I'm dreaming. But right now that's all I've got.

I cannnot wait to get moved in. I'm so sick and fucking tired of living like this. This whole in-between land. It gets old. Everything is constantly shifting and there are people you have to depend on that you don't trust. Just know this - you can be honest with someone, and while they might act earnest, it's not the same as honest.

But I have learned a lot of lessons this summer. I'll have to get into more of those at another time. However, there's one that I know too well now - only do what's best for you and your kin. Fuck everyone else.